“Be your own kind of beautiful”
“March to the beat of your own drum”
“Dance like nobody is watching”
These lines; these cute, inspirational and encouraging little quotes are probably not unfamiliar to you. We see the likeliness of them on posters, Pinterest boards, social media posts, t-shirts, stickers and graphics. They’re written to celebrate our own individuality and uniqueness; to empower the reader to embrace his or her own beauty and character.
I know that I personally have written some similar things on Instagram and Facebook posts, encouraging my readers to do the same – to be bold and blaze their own trail in life. Posting things like this sure makes it seem as though this is a practice I embody and employ myself. It makes it seem as though I am a strong trailblazer myself, creating my own path in life and honouring my own authentic self.
However, in all reality, during most of the 33 years of my life, I can clearly see how I have looked to outside sources to guide, influence, mold and shape a LOT of who I am.
As I am currently in a season of healing and growth, I have begun to really examine a lot of my thought and behaviour patters; and something I am noticing is how many times in my life and in how many areas outside sources have been major influences on me and my choices and decisions.
For someone who appears outwardly confident, I definitely have a lot of insecurities and I find that I have shaped myself to be accepted by others. Going over the phases of my life in my head, I can clearly see where I have changed parts of who I am in order to fit in. I can see choices that I made in hopes that I would assimilate myself easier into a crowd. It’s obvious where I was trying to hard to reach a standard, meet an expectation or conform to a mold that just wasn’t me.
Whether it was a group of friends I was trying to fit in with, a parent or influential grown up I was trying to please, a role I was trying to fill or a comparison I was making to a stranger on social media – I realize in how many ways, both big and small, I have tried to change myself. And, while no man is an island, in thoughts, styles or ideas and I know we all live with outside influences, I realize now it is time to relinquish the control that these outside sources have on me.
Over time, over the many years of feeling these outside influences, of trying to fit in, wanting to be accepted and portraying myself as someone I am not – I found myself tired. Tired and lost.
My core, my heart, the innermost part of myself is truly where my authentic self lives. She is still in there. She is still who I really am.
My mission now, is to shed the layers of characters I’ve piled on that aren’t really genuine. To honour who I am and to know that I have always been enough – just as I am. I am not perfect and I know I will sometimes stumble and fail, but as long as I pick myself up and look at who I really am and what I really want, I will move forward knowing I am finally on the right path – my own.
Regardless of the crowd, of the opinions of others, of the expectations from outside sources, I aim to live my life with intention and authenticity – staying true to who I am. I have little eyes watching me and I want to model srength, bravery and integrity for her to grow up always being true to herself, too.
Living authentically, after all, is a beautiful thing.
MARLYS ETTA 