What It Took…

As this last weekend came to a close and we were relaxing on Sunday evening, I found myself in a moment of quiet reflection. And, as I looked around our home, I felt such gratitude. I knew that I had spent the weekend present, with my family, engaged in what we were doing and just so appreciative. Unfortunately, for me (and more importantly, my family) – this was something that didn’t always happen. When I was really in the depths of my drinking, many weekends were lost to me in a haze of nursing a  hangover, in the excitement of a catching a buzz or in the planning of when and where I would be ‘enjoying’ some (and often far too many) drinks. My time was consumed and I eventually had to realize that I was powerless over alcohol and the hold it had on my life. This moment of sober solitude I was fortunate enough to enjoy this weekend, made me reflect a little on what it was exactly that drinking took from my life – and what sobriety has added to it.

The things that alcohol took from me, as I was desperately searching for chaos and solace ~

my loyalty
my drive
my integrity
my boundaries
my self respect
my honesty
my ability to connect
my awareness
my patience
my ability to reason It also made me ~

self destruct
isolate
untrustworthy
disconnect
stressed out
miserable
insane
selfish
manipulative
messy
defensive
combative
self-centered
deceitful
controlling

….all of which was only maginified as my life spiralled further and further out of control the more I drank

Despite a long period of time, when I denied I had a troubled relationship with alcohol, eventually I could not longer ignore the truth of what exactly it was alcohol was bringing to my life  – and the kind of person I was becoming every time I drank.

It came to a point, for me, where I could continue to choose alcohol or I could choose literally every other thing in my life. Achieving sobriety is not an easy path and it isn’t a smooth or linear journey, it takes time. It takes getting help and reaching out for support. It takes patience and surrender to finally get there. It takes everything you’ve got. But, when it happens, it truly is worth it and there is life on the other side. I found, in achieving this, that sobriety – and true recovery – has taken from me ~

hangovers
regret
anxiety
fear
the need to manipulate and control
the limitations I put on mylife
the cycle of shame and denial
the mental obsession with drinking

And, it has made me ~
happy
calm
honest
gentle
brave
peaceful
present
awake
a friend
messy (still, but in a good way)
creative
strong
humble
spiritual
willing to change
a good mom
open
grateful

….& free
and that, is a beautiful way to live

Sober.

This isn’t really a post I thought I was going to write, because this isn’t a story I thought I would tell. It’s not an easy topic for me to discuss – although it is an important one – and I know that I am not alone in being affected by this. And, although this is a journey I didn’t think I would take in life, having this struggle is a part of my path and I won’t feel shame for that. Instead, I would rather use my voice to talk about this and to maybe be a source of comfort or support for the next person who suffers, too. April is Alcohol Awareness Month; and I think it is time to share a part of my life with you that I don’t often talk about…

For a really long time I feel as though I played a certain role in life. I portrayed the part of someone who was not truly, authentically me but instead was reflective of the wants, expectations and desires of those around me. I made choices, dressed and spoke a certain way, and lived my life in accordance to what I thought others wanted for me. I tried really hard to fit into a mold that I was never designed to fit into and to fulfill expectations that I thought I needed to meet in order to feel loved, worthy, accepted and valued.

Somehow along the way, in doing this, I lost sight of who I really am and no matter how hard I tried I could not make my life feel good on the inside – even though on the outside it looked good. You know that saying “fake it till you nmake it”….. ? Well, that was me. For a really long time. And, I was getting pretty good at the faking it part – but I never really succeeded in ‘making it’. As it turned out, my life, or my authentic self if I’m being honest didn’t feel so great.

Yes, from the outside, everything was in place. Everything looked just about perfect.

A beautiful home. A happy marriage. Healthy babies and a job I love. Outwardly, I checked off every major ‘to-do’ on my life’s agenda list – yet inside I was a mess. I felt chaotic, trapped, fearful, lost and generally in over my head. Added to those unmanageable emotions was untreated post partum depression + major anxiety combined with a refusal to ask for help – and serious case of imposter syndrome – and eventually, it all came crashing down.

Not knowing what to really do, how to process these emotions or go about making the changes that would help me deal – I did what many others before me have done too. I thought that a glass of wine would help soften the edges of my day, that a bottle of “mommy juice” would help me relax and that an ‘adult juice box’ was just what I needed to.

Well, after turning to alcohol to help numb the pain, calm the stress, quiet the noise, to be my escape and to calm my nerves – my vice, my escape, my ‘coping mechanism’ turned against me and it slowly increased its hold on me. Soon, drinking had increased its power over my life until it was in complete control. And I was lost to it. I eventually had to face the facts that even more unmanageable than my emotional + mental issues were, was my relationship with alcohol. And, more importantly than that, I had to accept the fact eitherthat it had to go – or else everything good in my life would go instead.

Today, as I write this – after having travelled, hard, long, winding and bumpy road with many, many detours and stops along the way – here I am living in sobriety + healing. It isn’t easy and I don’t do it perfectly, yet here I am. However, this is not the first time am I here. My family has watched me accumulate hundreds of days of sober living only to relapse again and again. What is different this time, is that I have finally surrendered. Embraced healing. Chosen recovery. Asked for help and found supports that work for me and truly help. I have finally found the strength and willingness to do the hard work, the mental + emotional healing, the feeling and I finally realized I don’t have to do it alone.

Alcohol is a Group 1 Carcinogen. There are more deaths associated with alcohol consumption than HIV/AIDS, violence, or tuberculosis. It undermindes your immune system, increases the breakdown of family relationships and costs our country millions each year in legal fees, criminal proceedings, productivity loss, property damage and health care. There are countless statistics, figures and data that can clearly articulate just how costly and detrimental the alcohol industry is – however, the real place where alcohol hurts is at home – the hearts of the individual who suffers and the people who love him or her.

If you feel as though you or someone you love has been negatively affected by their drinking, if you are unable to control your consumption of alcohol or feel as though you would be happier living in sobriety – please know that there is no shame in asking for help. I know, for myself personally, looking back I wish I would have stopped sooner. I wish I would have realized I had a problem and that seeking help would set me free. I would have saved myself and my family, the people I love most in this world, a lot of heartache. I would have avoided a lot of pain, struggle and chaos in my life. But, alcohol is powerful and cunning and we don’t always see the trouble we are in until it’s too late.

While I can’t go back and re-write history, what I can do is wake up each day grateful to be sober and pray for the strength to continue to focus on my recovery and healing. I can take things one day at a time and live in a way in which I am able to reach my potential, to give back, to do good things with my life and most importantly – to be the best mother, wife, teacher, sister, daughter, friend and person that I can. My family deserves that of me and I finally feel as though I deserve that for myself, too.

I get to recover. I get this chance at living in sobriety. I get to be of service to others and to see my dreams become reality. Not everybody who struggled with addiction gets that chance and I know this. I am grateful for each day I see – I know that my worst day sober is better than my best day drinking ever was. And while I can’t ever get back the days I lost to drinking – I can move forward and live a beautiful, sober life. I can use my story as a message to help the next person in line. If that person is you – reach out, I am not an expert but I am always, always here to help.

This was a scary post to write – it is a part of my story that I truly did used to associate with guilt, shame and fear. But, I know that as I continue to live in recovery, as I heal, I allow others to do the same. Never be afraid to ask for help, know that you are not alone in this. I did not get this far alone and I am beyond grateful to the friends, family, programs and people who have supported me in my path to sobriety. While it is not a journey I thought I would have to take, I am grateful for where it led me.

Living in sobriety, after all, is a beautiful, beautiful thing.